Self-hate

    Well, I am pretty sure I skipped a few days of blogging but that's because I was busy. I can't blog all the time. I got to say this week felt crazy! It felt like a roller coaster kind of rush. Not exciting but surreal and unbelievable. I felt like I wouldn't be able to make it through the rest of the week at all. I didn't feel like I would survive. I hate roller coasters! A LOT happened! 

On Thursday, I broke down. I just had to. I couldn't take it anymore. They got on my last nerve and I couldn't take it anymore. There's only SO little a weak girl who tries to be strong can take. I've gone through so much I think a lot of other people have too. We just don't know their stories. Oh, and I know I said ''they'' and didn't say any names. I'm not going to give names. I really hate people who take a joke too far. Sorry I never got the joke anyway. I guess I never got the memo. It wasn't even funny in the first place. What was your point? AND so what if I was laughing along? I guess you don't know me well enough to tell the difference between my real laugh and my fake laugh. IF you DON'T know me well enough; why did you judge me anyways? I hated every moment of it! Right in front of the teacher, I burst out into tears. That hurt in my throat that indicated I had been holding in my tears for so long. Sometimes people don't know they're hurting you. And it takes so long for them to see that I've been hurting all along. The agony won't just go away. It takes everything in me to try to ignore it all. In the end, you just have to have the courage to speak up. 

I don't want to go on honestly. I self-hate so when someone says something about ME anything. For example, my flaws. It just confirms all my insecurities and makes me feel so broken. I feel so downgraded and belittled like I'm worthless. I know I'm imperfect I'm not trying to be perfect but when people confirm all my insecurities it makes feel worse about my flaws. My ethnicity is also something I struggle with. I don't talk about it much though. I'm ashamed. Ever since I was little... I sort of felt embarrassed. You know people made fun of me and that's a different story. I wish I could accept myself first but I can't help it. I hate this identity crisis. I'm so lost. I don't know I just let my thoughts out....

I really wish I could love myself more </3 

But..........