I Don't Know What's Going On...

April 19, 2016

Right now I am in gym class. I am outdoors on the bench. We are about to play soccer on this sunny day. I hear birds chirping in the back. How can someone feel so lonely with so many people around? Last night I couldn't sleep. I sent him a message. At the end, I told him not to reply if he wants to be left alone. Now, I am home. I looked back at my blog posts from freshman year yesterday night and it's slightly bittersweet. During freshman year, I had these quick and simple posts that I would write in the moment spontaneously. Now, I am worried about the perfect grammar. That is not the main reason I started my blog. Yes, I would love to improve my writing, but my blog is a place for me to go to share my thoughts. The reason I started it freshman year was because I was going through a tough time. I didn't really have anyone who seemed to understand me. I'm not saying no one understood me, but that's exactly how it felt. Some people were nice enough to TRY and understand. However, the majority of people questioned my emotions like I wasn't supposed to be feeling that way. I started a blog in hopes to not only share my feelings but also share with everyone else my love for writing and my life. I have come to the conclusion that I should go back to blogging the way I did freshman year. 

Anyway, I want to go back to updating you guys on him. Who is this guy I am speaking of? I may regret writing this because he may end up reading this. So much has went on in  this short period of time. I know that my eyes haven't been dry in a long time because I have been crying day after day. This morning on the bus I broke down. I covered my eyes in fear of being stared at by everyone around me. It was so embarrassing and dreadful. I am trying to pick up the broken pieces. I am trying. I am trying to solve this puzzle. Frankly, I have no idea what is going on. I will give him his space, but does he know it's killing me? I want to know what is going on with us. Did I hurt him in any way? Even the simple things in life I have no one to share them with anymore. No one seems to care as much as he does. I took a picture of a place. I took it because it was somewhere that I wanted to dance with him. Then, the moment that I realized that I couldn't share it with him I got so upset. My grades are slowly slipping. There's nothing I could really do because my feelings are just controlling me. They're forcing me to stay in bed and bawl my eyes out. I have no idea what is going on in his mind, but it's not much better with me. I am confused with myself as well. There are flaws to every person. Is it just that when I get angry, I see all the flaws in the person and forget about their good qualities? I hope I can make it out okay. I know everything will be okay, but right now it doesn't seem like it. I am smiling but inside I am dying. This problem is eating me up.

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment below and tell me what you think. I would also love to hear any suggestions or requests on what I should blog next.

                               As always,
                                                Lisa :)