Too Much
October 12, 2016
"She would not show that she was afraid, but being and feeling alone was too much to face, though everyone said that she was so strong, what they didn't know is that she could barely carry on."
I walked out of the doctor office with dark clouds over my head. There was no sense of relief. I only became more anxious than those days at school, at home, or elsewhere. I felt like I never wanted to speak again. My voice was never heard loud enough anyway. Earlier in the day, I had felt so ambitious. I was at the library flipping through dozens of books. I had tried so hard to build up the courage to take myself to the doctor once again. Every single time I had do it. I never have the courage to do anything I am scared of. I am pretty much scared of doing everything, but it is so hard when the people you live with do not understand you. It is hard when strangers seem to care more about you than you do. I ignore everything that is thrown at me in life. I have been the bigger person in many situations, but I only wish that phrase meant that I was the stronger and louder person. I know I can't look at my past. I know I can't point out everything terrible that has happened to me since I was four, but it is hard. I still see the problems today in my everyday life. They've never left. I have never been able to speak up. I can't even listen to myself because of how ridiculous I sound sometimes. I will not let someone know how I really feel because I have come to the point that I feel embarrassed and afraid to feel what I feel. I'm sick of being told this and that. I'm sick of not being understood especially by my family. My story is a lot deeper than most would like to believe. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I won't say something because I am scared of everyone else's judgement. I can't help it. Anxiety is something I know too well. That is why right now I am just so shattered in pieces. I am going to worry for days about my health problems. I was trying to ignore them all along. I was trying to be happy. I was trying to keep myself busy, but in the end, I can only try so hard before I finally break.
Thanks for reading! Leave a comment below and tell me what you think. I would also love to hear any suggestions or requests on what I should blog next.
As always,
Lisa :)
"She would not show that she was afraid, but being and feeling alone was too much to face, though everyone said that she was so strong, what they didn't know is that she could barely carry on."
I walked out of the doctor office with dark clouds over my head. There was no sense of relief. I only became more anxious than those days at school, at home, or elsewhere. I felt like I never wanted to speak again. My voice was never heard loud enough anyway. Earlier in the day, I had felt so ambitious. I was at the library flipping through dozens of books. I had tried so hard to build up the courage to take myself to the doctor once again. Every single time I had do it. I never have the courage to do anything I am scared of. I am pretty much scared of doing everything, but it is so hard when the people you live with do not understand you. It is hard when strangers seem to care more about you than you do. I ignore everything that is thrown at me in life. I have been the bigger person in many situations, but I only wish that phrase meant that I was the stronger and louder person. I know I can't look at my past. I know I can't point out everything terrible that has happened to me since I was four, but it is hard. I still see the problems today in my everyday life. They've never left. I have never been able to speak up. I can't even listen to myself because of how ridiculous I sound sometimes. I will not let someone know how I really feel because I have come to the point that I feel embarrassed and afraid to feel what I feel. I'm sick of being told this and that. I'm sick of not being understood especially by my family. My story is a lot deeper than most would like to believe. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I won't say something because I am scared of everyone else's judgement. I can't help it. Anxiety is something I know too well. That is why right now I am just so shattered in pieces. I am going to worry for days about my health problems. I was trying to ignore them all along. I was trying to be happy. I was trying to keep myself busy, but in the end, I can only try so hard before I finally break.
Thanks for reading! Leave a comment below and tell me what you think. I would also love to hear any suggestions or requests on what I should blog next.
As always,
Lisa :)
Comments
Post a Comment