It's Not Easy

May 17, 2015 

As I sat at the lunch table, all of the painful memories started coming back to me. I flashback to the day these girls told me to move out of their seats. I had sat down at the table first. It was originally an empty table, and I didn't see anyone sitting there when I walked to it. One girl said something like excuse me in a bitchy tone or this is our table. I don't remember too well, but I think they all laughed at me. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't even speak. I walked off feeling anger and resentment. 

Afterwards, I thought of so many things I could have said to them. I think they would have laughed at what I had to say because people don't take me seriously. They see me as an innocent twelve year old girl. I am not actually twelve, but I look like it. I have come to the point in my life where I really try not to care anymore. Someone once told me, when I am angry, I look cute. Ugh, how great (sarcasm)! Because of how considerate I am of people’s feelings, I expect people to be the same way with my feelings but that is usually never the case. I have so many words to say, but no one seems to care or take me seriously. 

Well, I guess one of the reason people walk all over me or bring me down is because I seem all innocent and sweet. They think I'm powerless. I don't look intimidating. They think I won't fight back and I'll just let it be. Honestly, that's usually the case. I do feel powerless, weak, and small. People belittle me and lower my already low enough self-esteem. 

People tell you to try to make friends, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I honestly had no one to sit with. It seemed like most people were in their own groups of friends. I talked to people sitting alone, but a lot of them didn't seem interested in what I had to say. Eventually, my determination grew smaller and smaller. I honestly had no one to sit with. Lunch might have just been the hardest period of the school day. I was a new sophomore at the high school. Where else was I suppose to go for lunch? I didn't know any place to go. I faced every day with sadness. I dreaded walking into the lunchroom and finding a table to sit at. I usually took any seat I could. People looked over sometimes or talked about me. However, I wasn't the only one. I obviously know I'm not the only one who has been through problems like this. I don't like telling people things like this because of what usually happens.

1. They are usually so quick to judge.

I just want the person to listen me when I tell them something. I don't want your judgement on everything. I don't want so much input that is unnecessary. 

2. They make you feel like you're exaggerating or you're oversensitive. 

I can't control all my feelings. I obviously know the world doesn't revolve around me and there is always going to be someone who is in a worse situation than me, but when I'm talking to you about something, I just want you to listen and try to act like you care. 

3. They don't understand. 

They just ask so many unnecessary questions. People don't usually understand. Like I said, I just want you to listen and try to act like you care.

4. They tell you to do this or that so your problem can stop. 

People tell you stuff like, "Happiness is a choice." meaning you can be happy if you want. How can I just wake up one morning and feel okay again? I wish it was that simple. Again, they just don't understand. Words are easier said than done. 

I guess there's so little people can do. Some don't even care....

I feel empty and lifeless. I try to force myself to do things, but it is so hard! I'm just not in the mood to do it. It is not laziness. It's no motivation. If something sad happens, I don't even feel sad anymore. It just feels like all of my emotions have been sucked out of me. My loneliness kills me. I have no one. Everyone great and amazing has walked out of my life. The people I talk to nowadays have no idea how I truly feel and what's going on inside of me. My mind tells me I'd rather not to talk to them, but I have no choice. How do you just stop talking to someone with no explanation? Well, people do that. I feel horrible and selfish, because I have been shutting people out of my life. I don't want to, but I am in such a horrible state of mind right now. I have also stopped being the one  to message, call, tell them how I am, ask them to hang out, etc. because I decided to stop putting in my time and effort for people who don't give a damn about me. 

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment below and tell me what you think. I would also love to hear any suggestions or requests on what I should blog next.

                               As always,
                                                Lisa :)